Part of sexual exploration is examining where you fall in the BDSM and Kink Universe. With so many genres and sub-genres, that placement can be hard to pinpoint and even harder to describe to others, but being able to do so is crucial to finding the right partner(s).

A kink assessment is used to understand an individual’s sexual interests, boundaries, and practices, similar to how one might assess their personality or other aspects of their life.

The internet is littered with various BDSM and kink surveys designed to help you articulate what makes you hot and what doesn't. We took five different surveys and our initial intention was the rank all five of them here. But after we took the surveys, it was quickly obvious that we could only recommend two of them.

There are definitely pros and cons to each of the recommended assessments, but generally speaking, we found them to hold significant value — it mostly depends on how much time and investment you’re willing to put into exploring your kinks.

One caveat: With so many high-quality, free options available, we didn’t even bother to take surveys that cost money — that just left us limp.

BDSM Test

This survey bills itself as the “original BDSM and Kink Test,” and while we can’t confirm that, we can attest to the thoroughness and accuracy of the tool. This test offers two versions: a shorter one for folks who are just mildly interested, and a longer one for people who want an in-depth assessment. We liked that the survey collects enough basic information to hone the results — age, orientation, and experience matter when determining your current kink score. And we absolutely love the six different options for gender, and that the tool is available in seven different languages. Inclusion matters.

The test presents a series of statements and gives seven response options on a traditional Likert scale. The first statement is simple and straightforward: “I like to be dominated, especially in the bedroom.” Response options range from “absolutely agree” to “absolutely disagree.” And true to form for assessments like these, a variation of that statement is asked a number of additional times.

At the end of the survey, you’re given your percentage score on how firmly you identified with various BDSM/kink personas. The higher the score, the higher your affinity. As with sexual orientation, sexual kinks are a variance — not a fixed point — so the percentages are a perfect way to express this.

Here’s an example of the test results:

As you can see from the results, you are allowed to gain “more info” about what each outcome means for you. The thoroughness of the assessment is great and it’s fun throughout — no trigger or trauma warning needed. (More on that later.)

The BDSM Test remains the best free, online tool we have tested and we highly recommend it for diverse audiences (cis, trans, queer, hetero, sides).

Kink Sheet

If spreadsheets get you moist or you have a nerd fetish — Kink Sheet might be your hub. We were surprised at how much we appreciated the approach to this simple kink assessment.

Via a variety of categories (intimacy, domination, fluids, etc.) you essentially mark an affinity for certain activities through a simple red-yellow-green mechanism. In most categories, you will be asked to give a response from both the assertive and submissive perspective. By default, this assessment is a spreadsheet, but you can also take it as a quiz and you can even customize the indicators to your interests.

The Kink Sheet feels as though it is uniquely designed for couples or sexual partners who literally want to articulate their likes. The genius of the tool is in its simplicity, and the ability to tone up or tone down the indicators mean that the assessment can be adapted for wide usage. We could easily see this spreadsheet as the perfect pre-assessment for a sex party or group encounter.

Unlike most kink assessments, you can see all the fields and all the upcoming questions as you complete this survey, which is an entirely different approach and allows the respondent to feel in control of the experience. We aren’t sure if this is a downside, but this tool is less about telling you what your kink is and more about having you articulate it for yourself.

The results will yield color-coded bubbles of your interests. Here’s a sample of what results will look like:

About the Other Assessments…

We also took the Big Kink Survey; the assessment at KinkTest.org; and the Kink Orientation Scale. These three were a mixed bag, and honestly, we wouldn’t recommend that you explore these in any real way.

Though you don’t have to share personally-identifying information, the Big Kink Survey feels the most like it’s in your personal business. And yes, that’s a weird critique when we are talking about what arouses you, but still. The assessment takes longer to complete — 30 to 40 minutes, and right off the bat it asks about political and social leanings, such as income and relationship status. The assessment also asks about sexual trauma and previous (unwanted) sexual experiences. We generally approach these sort of assessments from the perspective of someone willingly wanting to explore kink in a fun, free-wheeling way — so the lack of a trigger warning about the things being asked was unfortunate.

Kink Test is really just a watered-down version of the BDSM Test, but not nearly as good.

And the Kink Orientation Scale felt a bit unnecessarily high-brow; one of the first statements respondents are asked to weigh is “I am part of a sexual subculture.” That is an interesting opening to a kink assessment because everyone is clearly a part of one — even if they don’t realize it. To be fair, the assessment does allow a neutral response to the statement, but the rest of the survey doesn’t get much better. It’s just overly theoretical for its own sake, and crucially, it wasn’t fun to complete. The topic is sex, so boredom is the one emotion we can’t overlook.

What are your experiences with kink assessments? Let us know in the comments.

As a general rule, you should never yuck another person’s yum; and you should never tell someone what labels they can affix to themselves. But fuck it — this post does both!

It’s time to talk about the term “Daddy.”

In sexual discourse, the term "Daddy" is used to signify a dominant, protective, or powerful partner, often in the context of BDSM or roleplay. This language is further heightened in gay M/M fetish play as some, but not all, submissive partners identify as “boys.” The Historical Dictionary of American Slang notes that the term “Daddy” dates back to at least the 1600s, when sex workers used the moniker to refer to customers and pimps; in that instance, it would have almost certainly been used within straight M/F encounters.

While Daddies are usually dominant, a “Dom” and a “Daddy” are two distinctly different things. And an absolute no-no would be dictating how a self-proclaimed Daddy shows up, dominant or otherwise. This is the first nuance that is almost completely lost on those who have co-opted sexual language from communities they don’t fully understand.

Similarly, a “Master” isn’t a Dom or Daddy, but rather an entirely different realm. But that’s a discussion for another post; let’s stay on task.

Daddy/boy play is a sub-genre under the more expansive Dom/sub genre. And by design, Dom/sub dynamics are fluid — based largely on the folks involved. But this only works well when the folks involved have a strong grasp of what they are conveying with the labels they adopt.

The term “Daddy” has seen a resurgence in popular culture over the last couple of decades, and the predictable result is people casually throwing around labels they don’t understand. This is most vividly apparent in the popularity of “Zaddy” as a thing. To be clear, that’s not a thing! Daddies are not, and have never been, defined by age — so there is no need to coin a phrase to refer to younger Daddies. Older, stylish men who make us wet and weak are Daddies — not Zaddies. Nobody asked for that.

Zaddies is only a thing if you, mistakenly, believe that Daddies must be older, or if you have a visceral discomfort with the word “Daddy” in a sexual context. I suspect we end up with unnecessary vocabulary because some folks are shy about the existing vocabulary. And that shyness is rooted in shame or misunderstanding — neither of which have any place in sexual fetish and fantasy.

Some rules are not to be broken. “Daddy” is always capitalized. Whenever I see folks using a lowercase, it’s the ultimate giveaway that they are novices.

This shows up in a variety of ways; the next time I hear someone say “he’s too old to be a leather boy,” I think I’m going to lean into my dominant side and slap them, because that’s nonsense. There are no boundaries between consenting adults, and language is the absolute lowest hurdle to clear in role play.

Is it possible to be a young, smooth, submissive Daddy? Sure, I suppose so, but that’s sort of like being a small-dick “Dominant Top” who is only a side — the audience of people seeking that is exceedingly small. Being a Dominant Top implies certain things. Being a Daddy implies certain things, and slapping on the “Zaddy” label and jumping on Grindr is not it.

There are so many personas in the BDSM arena, and many gay men would be better served by applying labels that actually fit them. “Top” as a standalone label is just fine and serves its purpose well; but calling yourself a “Dom Top” means something different. If you’re just going to lie on your back and have your boy ride you — that’s hot — but a Dom Top you are not!

Similarly, you can be a fantastic “bottom,” but being a “sub bottom” is a completely different headspace. Being a sub bottom means you are willingly surrendering your control. If that’s not your bag, just pick a better bag.

It takes time, introspection, and communication to find the labels that adequately reflect your evolving desire. But for the love of sex, let’s stop casually throwing around the word “Daddy.” It’s the ultimate disrespect to actual Daddies.

First things first. What exactly is the Hanky Code? The Pack blog describes it this way:

What is the Hanky Code?

The hanky code, also known as the handkerchief code or flagging, is a system of communication that uses colored handkerchiefs to signal sexual interests and preferences discreetly. Originating in the gay male subculture of the 1970s, this code allowed individuals to express their desires in an era when open discussion of sexuality, especially same-sex attraction, was often taboo or even dangerous.

Brief History & Origins:

The exact origins of the hanky code are somewhat murky, but most historians trace it back to San Francisco in the early 1970s. During this time, the city was experiencing a boom in its gay population, particularly in the Castro district. As the community grew, so did the need for subtle ways to communicate sexual interests in public spaces.

One popular theory suggests that the code evolved from the Gold Rush era practice of wearing bandanas to signal whether someone was looking for a dance partner. In the absence of women, men would wear red or blue bandanas to indicate whether they wanted to take the "female" or "male" role in a dance.

Another theory links the hanky code to the use of keys on belt loops, where the side on which keys were worn indicated whether someone was a "top" or a "bottom" in sexual encounters. The hanky code expanded on this idea, introducing a rainbow of colors to represent various preferences and practices.

Purpose & Use in LGBTQ+ Communities:

The primary purpose of the hanky code was to facilitate connections between individuals with compatible sexual interests. In an era before dating apps and widespread acceptance of LGBTQ+ identities, this system provided a discreet yet effective way for people to find potential partners who shared their specific desires.

The code also served as a form of in-group signaling, helping members of the LGBTQ+ community recognize each other in public spaces. This was particularly important during times when being openly gay could result in discrimination, violence, or legal consequences. Nowadays, the hankies aren't utilized as such anymore, and mostly serve as a look instead of a communication tool to find likeminded people.

While this file is devoted to hunter green, there are countless colors represented in the Hanky Code: