The definition of 'Daddy'
It's time to rein in the oversimplification and overusage of the term "Daddy" in sexual discourse.
As a general rule, you should never yuck another person’s yum; and you should never tell someone what labels they can affix to themselves. But fuck it — this post does both!
It’s time to talk about the term “Daddy.”
In sexual discourse, the term "Daddy" is used to signify a dominant, protective, or powerful partner, often in the context of BDSM or roleplay. This language is further heightened in gay M/M fetish play as some, but not all, submissive partners identify as “boys.” The Historical Dictionary of American Slag notes that the term “Daddy” dates back to at least the 1600s, when sex workers used the moniker to refer to customers and pimps; in that instance, it would have almost certainly been used within straight M/F encounters.
While Daddies are usually dominant, a “Dom” and a “Daddy” are two distinctly different things. And an absolute no-no would be dictating how a self-proclaimed Daddy shows up, dominant or otherwise. This is the first nuance that is almost completely lost on those who have co-opted sexual language from communities they don’t fully understand.
Similarly, a “Master” isn’t a Dom or Daddy, but rather an entirely different realm. But that’s a discussion for another post; let’s stay on task.
Daddy/boy play is a sub-genre under the more expansive Dom/sub genre. And by design, Dom/sub dynamics are fluid — based largely on the folks involved. But this only works well when the folks involved have a strong grasp of what they are conveying with the labels they adopt.
The term “Daddy” has seen a resurgence in popular culture over the last couple of decades, and the predictable result is people causally throwing around labels they don’t understand. This is most vividly apparent in the popularity of “Zaddy” as a thing. To be clear, that’s not a thing! Daddies are not, and have never been, defined by age — so there is no need to coin as phrase to refer to younger Daddies. Older, stylish men who make us wet and weak are Daddies — not Zaddies. Nobody asked for that.
Zaddies is only a thing if you, mistakenly, believe that Daddies must be older, or if you have a visceral discomfort with the word “Daddy” in a sexual context. I suspect we end up with unnecessary vocabulary because some folks are shy about the existing vocabulary. And that shyness is rooted in shame or misunderstanding — neither of which have any place in sexual fetish and fantasy.
Some rules are not to be broken. “Daddy” is always capitalized. Whenever I see folks using a lowercase, it’s the ultimate giveaway that they are novices.
This shows up in a variety of ways; the next time I hear someone say “he’s too old to be a leather boy,” I think I’m going to lean into my dominant side and slap them, because that’s nonsense. There are no boundaries between consenting adults, and language is the absolute lowest hurdle to clear in role play.
Is it possible to be a young, smooth, submissive Daddy? Sure, I suppose so, but that’s sort of like being a small-dick “Dominant Top” who is only a side — the audience of people seeking that is exceedingly small. Being a Dominant Top implies certain things. Being a Daddy implies certain things, and slapping on the “Zaddy” label and hoping on Grindr is not it.
There are so many personas in the BDSM arena, and many gay men would be better served by applying labels that actually fit them. “Top” as a standalone label is just fine and serves its purpose well; but calling yourself a “Dom Top” means something different. If you’re just going to lie on your back and have your boy ride you — that’s hot — but a Dom Top you are not!
Similarly, you can be a fantasic “bottom,” but being a “sub bottom” is a completely different headspace. Being a sub bottom means you are willingly surrendering your control. If that’s not your bag, just pick a better bag.
It takes time, introspection, and communication to find the labels that adequately reflect your evolving desire. But for the love of sex, let’s stop casually throwing around the word “Daddy.” It’s the ultimate disrespect to actual Daddies.